tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6655099734864206668.post8057769253089928990..comments2011-01-09T00:34:24.613-08:00Comments on Welcome to my Monastereo: Before Re-Entering Monk ModeRenaissance Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12494297324834156860noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6655099734864206668.post-77949174836150543672010-11-30T13:47:02.387-08:002010-11-30T13:47:02.387-08:00Matt, thank you for posting that very last comment...Matt, thank you for posting that very last comment. I needed to hear that.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6655099734864206668.post-5796588815224670502010-11-10T13:29:34.479-08:002010-11-10T13:29:34.479-08:00In response to 4, my head was much cooler when I i...In response to 4, my head was much cooler when I initially met the people I currently hangout with. I was better able to handle their differing views because mine were sure, even before I officially got into the Church. Also, most of this has started happening in the past few months after I drained myself with what now appears to be a pointless relationship. Then came the first sex I had had post Adrien and a slip way downward. I was not attending mass often, hadn't confessed in ages, and had no other friends to balance out the strong opinions of my other friends. My own strength was wavering, and here we are now. I had no real doubts until these past couple of months (since october and for a while at that new years party). I was usually cool with just declining that I was gay and leave it at that. But, then I was finding that it was happening far more frequently. It really started to get to me, which it shouldn't have, but I was clearly not in a place to handle that, as I have let it affect me as it had. I was starting to wonder what it was about me that gave people this opinion of me. Granted, it shouldn't have mattered because most of these people have not known me long or hardly at all. But, it did. That's my fault. <br />Before October the worst I did while drinking was say some offhand comments about being depressed and wanting to off myself (mostly in jest, since I was actually depressed. I haven't actually considered suicide since late middle school early high school and it was only for a second then.) and falling asleep. I made out with one girl and spurned the advances of one of the most persistent dudes ever (he's still after me, though I continue to rebuff him and say I don't like him that way). So, it is literally just now a lot of this is happening. I knew I was wavering, because I had sex and had vowed not to give up my body again until marriage. I had two one-night-stands! I never had done that. yes, making-out has happened more than a few times, but I always had a line. I toed it a couple of times at baylor, but nothing as far as I went those two nights. After that, I should have realized. But, I kept running bullheaded. I certainly didn't exult in those sins, I felt failure there for sure, but was almost glad to feel something again. I hadn't for a month at that point. Anyway, my real point here is that I'm listening and trying.Renaissance Manhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12494297324834156860noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6655099734864206668.post-45905600442622755812010-11-10T13:06:16.376-08:002010-11-10T13:06:16.376-08:00I agree with your note on the bisexual thing compl...I agree with your note on the bisexual thing completely. It is, after all, a recent development. It has to be the result of how I've been living my life and the various influences I happen to surround myself with. I think i actually say in this blog that porn has a lot to do with what is going on right now.<br />Yes, I am an overly sexual attention whore. Part of that is natural tendency making me susceptible and part of that is my choice to continue viewing porn and getting further entrenched in it. Also, I have far less influence from good Catholics/other Christians than I have in the past. I realize that I'm not in the best environment for my spiritual health.<br />In regards to 3, I do know most of that deep down. I also realized that by becoming steadily more lukewarm and uncaring I have squandered a lot of my gifts. I am constantly reminding myself that, actually, I should be doing far better than I am doing. Because I tend to pick up things quickly, I tend to drop practicing them quickly. I'm not disciplined, not naturally and never learned to be. I'm very all-over-the-place in general and have too many interests to choose from. I'm not good at staying on task and keeping at something for a long time through sometimes fear of failure and sometimes being distracted by other fun things. I'm also very much like my temperament test says I am. I'm more motivated by positive prodding than being yelled at or receiving tough love. I can take instruction and carry out tasks, but I do need encouragement. This is pretty much infantile, I know, but that is how I am at base. I can take criticism but I need encouragement to be coupled with it. Once again, this has gotten out of control and is one of the reasons I'm taking all this time alone.Renaissance Manhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12494297324834156860noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6655099734864206668.post-2865650514760345842010-11-10T12:47:52.880-08:002010-11-10T12:47:52.880-08:00In regards to complimenting myself, it's reall...In regards to complimenting myself, it's really more of an attempt to remember there are positive things about myself. When I was young I took humility in the wrong way and became self-effacing as a guard against boasting. I am simply trying to reverse that. In times where I do talk trash in basketball or whatever, it's usually trying to get in someone's head. I actually didn't start doing that until college. Most other "confident" statements were pretty much bravado. I haven't believed in any abilities I have seriously for a while. I just kind of did things and tried not to think about it. Unfortunately, I have always needed more affirmation than tough love. I'm actually, naturally kind of like that. (Phlegmatic Temperament) I think it just got way out of control. It reached a level of ridiculousness. I don't like that about myself, and I need to change it.Renaissance Manhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12494297324834156860noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6655099734864206668.post-39586250637439450552010-11-09T16:56:44.504-08:002010-11-09T16:56:44.504-08:00If you stop complimenting yourself, stop making ex...If you stop complimenting yourself, stop making excuses, stop obsessing about what others think, and stop worrying about your self-esteem problems, I think that you will begin to have significantly better "self-esteem" if it can even be called that. I think you will begin to see the truth of who you are (a child of God) and what you are (an Image of God) and you will generally feel better as a result. Trust me, I had to struggle with much of the same shit, but the mind is a powerful thing and directing what you think about is a powerful tool. <br /><br />Force yourself to cease complimenting yourself, and you will slowly stop feeling the need to compliment yourself. Allow yourself to appear vulnerable or flawed before other people, without quickly trying to point out that you are only flawed because you don't try hard (here's a hint I learned too late to help in high school, but managed to get it before I left college: saying shit like, "I could've gotten good grades but just didn't try hard" is (a) unfalsifiable, therefore pointless, (b) bad faith, (c) annoying, and (d) vicious, as in, the product of a vice). I coulda been a contender is only what people who never actually become contenders say, and its bullshit.Matthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13050507372757432020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6655099734864206668.post-15720807887044120122010-11-09T16:50:00.498-08:002010-11-09T16:50:00.498-08:00(3) Recognize that your personhood is founded on t...(3) Recognize that your personhood is founded on the reality of God. You are worthwhile because you are a creation of God. He may have given you certain talents you ought to use for His glory, but you do not deserve credit for those talents... He gave them to you, after all. If you can recognize this, then than you can start to break the hold public opinion or attention has on you, as you can start to realize where the foundation of validation and meaning come from and the emptiness of these competing "sources."<br /><br />(4) Surround yourself with good influences. Being friends with immoral people is only for those blessed with the strength not to become like them. Yes, you may say that you are trying to be a Christian light to them, but if you end up getting drunk with them and making out with a guy it is WORSE that you know them than if they had never met you. You are in fact a scandalon on their journey to Christ, and you shame Him with your witness. Thus, if you cannot prove to yourself that you can keep a cool head while with these people, you need to seek out better influences with whom to keep company (and I think from your own testimony, you are not yet ready to be friends with immoral people).<br /><br />(5) Stop making excuses (again!) and exceptions! Nuance is for the morally refined, and before you can become morally refined, you must become morally experienced. If you cannot develop habits of morality, you cannot successfully navigate exceptions. (i.e., though on a diet, it may not be contrary to the spirit and the goal of the diet to have one donut now and again; but if having that donut causes you to stop dieting, if you are unable to handle the freedom of the donut, you ought not to tempt yourself in the first place, and keep to a more severe code).Matthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13050507372757432020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6655099734864206668.post-19385367571442105532010-11-09T16:49:34.385-08:002010-11-09T16:49:34.385-08:00Some things I think you need to do:
(1) Stop makin...Some things I think you need to do:<br />(1) Stop making excuses. Yeah, life can have sucky periods. Your dad was a punk, having to move as a kid isn't fun, you have self-esteem issues, etc, etc etc. It doesn't matter. Remember your Sartre: you are condemned to radical freedom and you are responsible for who you are and what you do. Making excuses is bad faith. I think this is a vitally important lesson for everyone to learn, especially for Christians. This also animates a number of my other thoughts.<br /><br />(2) Stop complimenting yourself. "I have a great sense of humor," "I'm really good at winging it," "I'm really good at basketball." It doesn't impress anybody or even make them believe what you are saying In fact, it probably just annoys them and makes them think you are arrogant (which is not incompatible with having self-esteem issues; in fact, it may well be that most arrogant people have self-esteem issues). Maybe you think you need to do this to shore up your flagging self-esteem, but you will never overcome self-esteem problems unless you stop doing this. You have to recognize that this shit by and large doesn't matter. Not how smart you are, nor how well you can play guitar or basketball, not even how well you can wing it or how great you are in the sack. These things are fleeting, pale glories which are lost with the wind. They do not define who you are as a person.Matthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13050507372757432020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6655099734864206668.post-52896324348053331782010-11-09T16:48:57.541-08:002010-11-09T16:48:57.541-08:00Zaire, I read through your blog posts.
Prepare f...Zaire, I read through your blog posts. <br /><br />Prepare for tough love. I say the following things only out of love, but with urgency and conviction. It is not necessarily pretty.<br /><br />You are not a bisexual. You fucked up your own psychology with (1) porn, (2) bad friends with stupid ideas, (3) a perversion of the desire to be unique, and, (4) being an overly sexual attention whore. Bisexuality is not fundamental to who you are, it is a product of the damage you have done to your Self, which is the image of God.Matthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13050507372757432020noreply@blogger.com