Friday, February 11, 2011

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes! Part 1 of...WhatEVER

Obviously this is being posted hella late in the night, so excuse the title! However, if you diss David Bowie it is FRIENDS OFF! Okay? Cool.
Anyway, this post is inspired by three things: a blog I saw by a friend about similar subjects, some conversations I have had as of late, and the desire to be understood and accepted.
So, I am just going to come right out and say it: I have felt lonely for a very long time (though interestingly enough, I have felt less so lately). It's really silly since I've always had friends in some capacity even if they weren't very close to me. Don't get it twisted, I have had close friends and still do, but sometimes either that wasn't enough or it felt like they weren't there. This also isn't to say that any of these friends, though some surely have, ever betrayed me and weren't there. People betray people on occasion, even their friends. This is a truth I have no problem with. I'm very forgiving of many, many things. I even forgave two friends of mine that I had dated in turn and then decided to date each other (weird story) and make it seem like I was making up rumors about them when I was so happy with my first love I hardly gave them a thought.
So, yeah, I'm forgiving. I do find somethings terribly hard to forgive and may not ever get over certain betrayals until I grow more. That, however, is not why I am writing this.
Back on subject, yes? You better not say, no. In any case, friends: I have had them. No big, I don't think I've actually met someone with no friends. My particular case is interesting because I use to move so much as a kid. I learned how to make friends quickly and pretty well. I also learned that it was fairly unnecessary to get too close to people because, well, you were going to effin' move in a year---so, what's the point?
That all kind of changed when I moved to the last neighborhood I lived in while in California. I made some actually life-long friends there to my surprise (both were neighbors of mine). This was also, at the time, the longest I had stayed in one place (that I can remember, since I technically lived in Japan until I was 3). I made a mistake--once again, at the time--and got too close to these particular people. Thus, I was truly devastated when I was forced to move to Texas. That was the first knock against a state I envisioned was filled with crazy cowboys. I lost people I loved (in a sense).
Once in Texas, I sort of resumed my don't get too close to people thing and that was evidenced in lots of random friends whom I just really knew in school and occasionally from outside stuff. My best friend at the time, Stan, was the one person I was really close to. I use to have a crush on his sister and we went to the same church etc. But, we hung out all the time. I use to leave the house to stay over his place or he's come to my place. Those times, occasional basketball games, and school were mostly the only time I really left the house. This was the real start to my reclusiveness. I remember being outside a lot more in California, though i found plenty of time to devour books and video games. There were oodles of time back then it seems; but, then, our perception of the movement of time changes as we age. Now, everything goes so quickly. Anyway, I spent a lot of time alone though I did have one other good friend (the son of our then landlord's). I did a lot of the same stuff I did with Stan with him. I once accidentally stabbed him with a fork and also had a crush on his sister. I like happens. They are pretty.
Anyway, those excursions were not a weekly or even monthly thing (I don't think) they just happened when they did, though Stan and I would try and find ways to visit every sunday. In any case, the point here is I started to spend more time alone than with people rather than with a certain balance like I possessed in California. I probably split either evenly or 60-40 in favor of alone time or playtime depending on my mood. This meant I had tons of time to think. This isn't necessarily bad, but it would periodically become so as I was starting to grow into a fuller person entering my teens. I had many unresolved issues, mainly my dad and how to relate to him. I had no idea what to do about it nor what I wanted really beyond some acceptance and love. He was distant from me for some bullshit reason he made up in his own head. Unfortunately, I was born with a temperament that needs a certain level of affirmation to be more willing to work hard or try certain things. The things I excelled at tended to be things I picked up really fast and got approval for really fast. I picked up basketball really fast and received plenty of affirmation that I was good, very good in fact. It is enough to make a fella dream. However, with dad, I couldn't seem to do anything right. His approval, and my mother's, mattered most to me. I wanted to be pleasing and I couldn't seem to get it right. Thinking about it, and internalizing it lead to some of my later problems like a jaded lack of trust in myself or others that makes me suspicious when people want to actually be around me.
This combined with general alone time, a tendency to rarely bring up my own discomfort (a hallmark of my temperament as well), and the tendency to keep relationships at a surface level due to being a military brat let to some horrible ideas taking root and keeping me from feeling happy and fulfilled. I was a much happier child in California. My alone time wasn't because I was rejected or weird (though I am weird) it was for "me" time and leisure. I started becoming more moody as secondary school went on and my standoffishness became more about trust. I suppose I started to project whatever my dad did on other people. It certainly didn't help haven't him tell me I didn't have any friends, playing into secret fears of mine.
However, I'm not here to complain. I am thankful for the person I have become, I just need to remember that people do love and care about me and even if they didn't God cares. He is the real place for worth. I'm too tired to be coherent. Screw you. lol

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