so, basically...

I'm a terrible blogger. I keep getting distracted by life... I'll be better soon.

update

hello,

If you know me and haven't heard, I have deactivated my facebook account. It was necessary. So, this means I'll have to update this thing more and my twitter; which, I now do with text messaging because I'm 'oh so witty.' Anyway, first thing is first. I am in a play with Sundown Theater in Denton, TX. I was actually shanghaied into a role by my best friend Rhonda. I am, of course, playing a black man. Apparently, one named Tom with an oddly shaped penis. It's discussed at great length in the play. Anyway, this play is called Rabbit by Nina Raines and I get to speak in a generic brit accent which is quite lovely. We open September 17th I believe.
Next, today I went to Six Flags with my mother and sister to celebrate her 48th birthday. It was a lovely and tiring day; although, I apparently had lost my stomach of steal and felt ill after several different rides. I never expelled the contents of my stomach, but sometimes I felt like it.
I think that's a good enough up date. CALL ME! lol

The Contridiction

things I need to do

1. Get a well paying job which gives me time for leisure.
2. Start Running.
3. Start reteaching myself martial arts and stretching.
4. Play basketball more.
5. Write songs more.
6. Buy a couple new guitars with money from a new well paying job.
7. Pay that speeding ticket...

michael jackson

is going to be buried on this birthday. They finally agreed on a place. More on my thoughts on this death later. I need sleep. Night.

it's already been a while, i'm so bad at this.

Hello again,

It has been quite some time since my last post, and because of that I think I'm going to take a different direction. One that is more...forward thinking. This direction, I believe, will help me to start taking real ownership over my life and become a man. I'm very close to being one I feel, but I still feel terribly hindered. Thus, I will need several things to move into the next phase of my life.

Those who know me already know that I plan on moving to New York City to pursue my music career more fully. I plan on doing this ASAP. I want to move quickly, but I'm learning that it may be better for me to ease into it. This means that I will have to do several things first; first, I need to move out of my parent's house. This is not just for the sake of being able to do whatever I feel like when I feel like it, although that is certainly part of it. This is because I need to know how to really be on my own. In college, I never held a serious job that paid normal wages for living. I lived in the dormitorys (residence halls) all four years and didn't stray to the personal freedom a lot of my friends did. While I regret this in part, this was the best path toward me considering I have had to fight to stay in school financial because I have a rather deadbeat father...

Anyway, I can't just throw myself out into the jungle of New York City without having any idea what it costs to live, or rather what it is to truly take care of yourself. I figure, like most things I figure, it'll be easy. I've learned over the years that this is a trap my mind plays on me and causes me to lapse into laziness. Unfortunately, the real world is far less forgiving in this regard (I now send my kindest regards to professors and various teachers who have had to deal with my distinct brand of lazy). I cannot go on the way I have been going on, i.e. winging it. I mean, I'm dreadfully good at winging it, but for me to become who I want to be it will take a lot more effort on my part. I cannot expect to coast. I can coast once I have built up enough coasting materials, but more on that later. The point of this paragraph is I need to grow up.

Next, I need some financial indepence and get use to the idea of having bills. It means I have to budget and I can't indulge in my sickness of compulsively buying records because they are awesome. I have to figure out how to expand my collect, my number of instruments, my number of clothes, or anyhting else without breaking myself and turning into a starving artist who is actually starving most days. The point here, I need to figure out this money thing until I have enough not to care.

Next, I need to learn how to cook more things because I can't just live off of italian food and burgers everyday...this is self-explanatory.

Next, I need to learn how to properly prioritize my time and efforts and not neglect my music. You would have thought I learned this in college, but I made pretty good grades without doing stuff ahead of time and worked best under pressure. I can't be this lax in the real world. I have to get shit done, to put it quite simply and colloquially.

Last, I need to learn how to consistently make good choices and to really pursue my passion. I won't have a lot of time outside of work and music for foolishness...i'm trying to avoid babies and diseases, among other things. This doesn't mean I won't date, but even if I end up in a relationship I cannot let it keep me from New York. It's very important for me to follow through. I HAVE TO, if I'm going to make it. I have the natural talent, but I need to build my chops and I need to be able to handle hardships that are my choice. This means using wisdom and learning from where I do mess up.

I think that's pretty good for now. Later.

-The Contridiction

beginning repairs

I'm not quite sure how to start an entry on this thing, it's been like two or three years since I even used xanga or any blogging site....this is obviously not xanga, but I felt like having a change though I still have both.

Anyway, this blog is part of my attempt to rehabilitate my former self. No one who has known me in Texas has known this former self. A lot of things changed about me when I moved to Texas from California. It was just before middle school, and California had been the only place that felt like home. Not to mention, the school I had been attending around the time of the move was the first school I had attended for more than a year. I had built really solid friendships, some of which (thankfully) I have been able to recover to a certain extent.

I cried when I found out I had to move, and this was for a number of reasons. First of all, I didn't want to have to be anywhere where I had to associate with my father, from whom I had all ready pretty much withdrawn. Secondly, I had really good friends and, minus the visits and encounters from dad, a very good life. I was finally settled some where, and felt at home. Lastly, Texas was an immensively foreign place to me. Texas, and the south in general, was another planet. My only thoughts about Texas were associated with movie characters I had seen, such as Dwayne from D2: the Mighty Ducks. If anyone remembers that film, if you can call it that, they will remember the whole Rodeo/"Ro-day-o" drive incident with him. To this I thought, 'Silly Texan.'

So, first we moved to Plano...stayed there about a year and a half. So, this was like the tail end of 4th grade and 5th grade. Then we relocated to McKinney where I was stranded until college. Despite living in the same city and attending one school for middle school and one for high school, a change in itself, we lived 2 different areas in this time. I lived in one house for middle school, and another one in the country for high school. It is obvious I still lived a very nomadic lifestyle despite being in the same city. Since college started, I have lived in 2 different places and moved into a third living space in 2007. I have been in the same house since late 2007.

It's obvious that I haven't really been accustomed to being in one place for very long and that has caused it's own problems and some good things actually. I'm very adaptable thanks to this lifestyle, but I also tend to feel uncomfortable being somewhere too long and have trouble imagining myself starting over in any place I have memories in. I have to be somewhere completely new. This is why Baylor was a good fit. It was unfamiliar. Thankfully, Baylor became a home to me like California and is some place I will return to periodically.

Anyway, that was a tangent. I am getting back to changes in myself...the old me. The parts of me I left in California. I realize that we all change as we grow, but I believe that I took a lot of negative turns after this move. For instance, this move was the beginning of my loss of confidence in myself. This didn't occur all at once, like most cancers it began very slowly. Unlike moving within California, the move to Texas was a move to an unfamiliar place...a completely unfamliar place. At least in California I still knew the general area (kind of how I lived in different areas of mckinney later on), but in Texas I was out of my element. I also, had to deal with the reverse stereotypes Texas kids had regarding Californians. My way of dealing, was beefing them up. Growing up in the Bay Area, I never really surfed or things like that; but, I said I did. It gave me mystique, and made me instantly cool. That continued 'til midway through high school.

I'm getting tired....so I'll start on this anew tomorrow. After some intensive guitar playing.

my first

I am writing this to say: Hello, new world.

-Zaire