Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Reflections on Recent Conversations

I'm going to say it now: I AM DRUNK. This is not very monk-like, I know. Well, unless I'm St. Francis...he was kind of a drunk. Anyway, I have decided that I have wonderful friends particularly one I will call T and another I will call N. I find them both to be amazing women. I'll tell you why: it's because they live unapologetically, but with respect. They know and respect my beliefs, and in many senses share them. We seem to agree on a lot of things, and yet not much at all. We're very different people, but seem to possess some core similarities. Anyway, I love them and thank them for talking with me in this most confusing aspect of my life.
Somewhere in my last post, I am sure that I mentioned a level of pressure I have felt with my new circle of friend-people. It seems that my mannerisms and personality quirks point towards something I have never been or considered myself to be. But, finally, these things that people expect have become actual issues. I would attribute this to a grinding and deep loneliness that I have felt off and on most of my life, but felt most frequently in the last couple of years. This loneliness, in my mind, has lead to my feelings on the sexual plane to change, though not enough to actually want to go home and have sex with a male (for the most part, because I've had my doubts). Here's the plain truth of it, when I see myself in the future with my future family, I see: a wife (a woman because, in my mind, a male cannot be a wife.) and children. I also see music, but that's not the point of this post. That means I cannot see myself in a relationship with a man and do not see that. My sexual feelings are confused at the moment, but my plans and feelings about that are pretty solid.
Anyway, I have felt a severe amount of pressure to be a certain way--something that changes with the group I hang out with. This current pressure has been to be a man who likes men. People seem to assume I am that way (though this isn't necessarily within my close friend group, despite the fact that when I have brought it up there have been occasions where this is the case.). This is incredibly strange to me, because it was never really an issue before. I didn't have any real thoughts on the matter until college when it suddenly seemed like guys were periodically attractive. This has increased in the past few months, due to various stressors like my previous relationship. I'm frustrated to say the least, and it's spilling over into whom I want to sex (or at least receive sexual attention from, as it stops at that. I like being flattered. I don't really like being such an attention whore, but I am.). I do not feel comfortable nor myself when this occurs. I feel off balance. I am a Libra, and need balance (it's weird how true that is for me). I am sick of all these parentheses, I got to stop using them.
Okay, I'm too drunk to finish this, so here is a rundown:
-I still do not feel myself, and want.
-I am trying to figure out what these new feelings mean for me.
-I am trying to reconcile what is expected of me to who I truly am.
-I am, at my core, a religious person and that will always trump any feelings I have. I will always feel guilty when I fail to live up to the standard I subscribe to.
-Porn makes me feel off balance.
-I am sad the 49ers are not playing well.

That's all.

Ugh...too drunk. finishing tomorrow sober.

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