Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Ye Ol' Switcheroo

I know I stated in the previous, rather slushy drunken post that I would return to those topics in this post. However, I feel differently this morning and will not. I'll probably return to every subject repeatedly anyway, so it does not matter. Deal with it.
Anyway, I was just looking through my old xanga. It's a blog thingy like this but was highly popular with my age bracket about 4 years ago. Friends and I have periodically tried to revive it's role in our lives to no avail. In any case, it is always fun to look back. However, my eyes have changed. What I mean here is that I see stuff a bit differently, this comes inevitably with age and changes in circumstances. I've decided that, like all teenagers, I was hella whiny. I feel like most people feel like that when they look back on old journals. I will also say that I cared way less about grammar in my blogposts then. The result is rather frightening. However, the posts are quite revealing and a great snapshot into my mind then.
I notice several truths emerging as I continue to go through these ridiculous posts. First, I have a great sense of humor. Most who know me now would say this persisted and I would be inclined to agree with them. This humor of mine is sometimes irreverant, often quirky, and still somehow universal enough to make others laugh. Second, I notice that I was not the most overtly masculine fellow in the world, and that I sensed this and owned it. Though I spent much of college getting to know myself better, I did have an understanding of self that likely surpassed most kids my age. In fact, in my year book I had a few comments that told me to keep it real like I always did. Third, you'll notice I was girl-crazy as hell. Almost ever other post, this might be a slight exaggeration, was about some girl I was wanting to date or liked etc. This is partly due to the fact that I am very indecisive and tend to use it as a defense against rejection by not making decisions at all. There were likely a lot of missed opportunities during this period in my life and I'm aware of quite a few of them even now. Lastly, you'll notice that, as I've said, boys were not on the radar in any aspect. I wasn't confused about who I wanted sexually nor for eternal love with a family. I knew what I wanted and sought it rather fanatically because I felt rather unworthy of every woman ever.
While this isn't solving anything, it is a great starting point for the answers I am seeking at this point in my life. That kid is still in me, though I have changed in some ways. I'm still that kid at my inner most core. I'm trying to find him again, and see how he is to live in the world he currently finds himself in.
So, what does he do with these new, rather pressing attractions that he is dealing with? They weren't there before, so now he has to actively deal with what they mean. The question is: do these have any bearing on his religious core? I believe that, though the inclination for--in my case--bisexuality is not wrong in itself, my active participation in the homosexual side is. I have one Christian friend at Baylor who struggles with it too. He has struggled with it for longer and, like myself, has chosen faith over participation in all his hearts desires. The truth in Christianity is whatever we give up shall be made over and given back to us, perfected. That lust that nips at my heels constantly will become a stallion that has been broken and bends to my will instead of its own (to paraphrase a beautiful metaphor from C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce). That is what I desire more than fulfilling whatever sinful desires I may have in the here and now. I may not always have the will to do what I want, but that is my heart. It is my core. I want to be considered a good and faithful servant, who struggled and persevered through grace. I want to be like my patron saint, St. Augustine and finally put to rest all that has plagued me...even in this life.
I have no answers just yet, but this is a good start.

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